The Chronicles of My Scumbag Brain

It's nice to see how the axiom of continuity and things remaining constant stays true. What's annoying though, is how I see it applied to my blogging. I have a very constant pattern of only updating my blog whenever I'm procrastinating at something, and that shit has got to stop!

As always, I am procrastinating and keeping myself from studying for my impending exam (in a week!) and this is also the time my scumbag brain decides to remind me of the things I've always wanted to do.

"Remember how you were supposed to make that blog layout for someone? Well, no better time to start than today! Oh, and I see you haven't drawn a page in your sketchbook lately, you should do that soon! Meanwhile, Delirium's getting really exciting! You probably should read a few pages. Oops, I took the liberty of reading a few chapters. No big deal. Here, go watch The Avengers so you can feel better. But before that, let's watch Ken Jeong dancing on Ellen, 'cause that guys heeeeeeeee-larious! Oh look! It's getting late! You better sleep so you wake up wide and bright for a whole new day of procrastinating.

Sigh. I can never win with my brain because I always surrender immediately. Also, I just realized how many fucking things I really wanna do and how I really couldn't accomplish them because of the lack of time. Sometimes I wish I had Hermione's Time Turner.

Sigh again. Ok back to looking at mock exams.

Wake Up Call

Well, fuck.

I had two whole days to myself and I didn't spend it doing anything productive. You can blame Community for that. You can also blame our Internet connection, which has the stability of an elephant on a trapeze.

Lol. But seriously. It's all my doing. On the bright side, I managed to read two more books and am continually adding to my book goal. On the downside, I have this strange delusion that I have no more books to read when there's a fuckton of books waiting in my bookshelf, so I spent a large portion of the afternoon on GoodReads, looking for book recs.

Which is why I amp posting this note to myself on my blog, so I can reinforce it in my stubborn brain that I need to get up and go do things instead of curling up on the couch like every season is hibernation time.

I kind of really hate anxiety

I had four most wonderful days of downtime.

And on the fifth day, He said, "Well bitch, this is the end of your fun."

I really hate being anxious about things.

/cryptic post is cryptic/

I'll make a proper post when I stop feeling like a ball of yarn.

Oh, the hum of ennui.

I'd really like to say that I've been straying away from this blog because of work, but that is most definitely not the case. This week at work has been my most laid back yet (compared to the weeks before and right after October 2), and I spent a lot of it moping on Gtalk to my good friend, whining "Fuck this shit, I just wanna go home."

There is a perpetual struggle between me and leaving the comforts of my ratty old bed, and I quite like losing the battle.

In any case, this week of semi-lethargy has brought about a very good thing: I'm out of my book slump! I told myself that I had to read 8 books for each month starting this October, a task that verily daunted me, but I managed to pull through and finish it! Granted they aren't the most difficult books I've had to read, but at least I'm reading (actively!) again.

On devouring the written word

You know what my problem is? I forgive myself too much. I give myself too much leeway when it comes to the things I have to do. I believe my excuses when I tell myself, "I'm too sad; it's weighing me down and I need some time to be pointless." I feel too sorry for myself because I think nobody else is going to do it for me.

It's just something I realized when I was tallying up my books from the beginning of the year up to this point. My original goal was to read 50 books (an average of 4 books a month). As of now, however, I have read only 24 books. That's not even half of my goal, and it's already October. By my calculations, I have to read 8 books every month for 3 months to achieve my goal.

I already know I'm not going to reach that goal, but I'm hoping I'm at least close to it by December. The sad thing is, I definitely could have reached my goal if I hadn't spent so much time making excuses and believing in my petty lies. Too much time was spent pointlessly browsing 9gag and not enough time reading a book. And I bought so many books this year, too. I hope by the time December rolls around, I've read at least 40 and next year, I hope I can fulfill my goal for real.

I just finished reading The Mark of Athena (feeeeeeeeeeels) and I'm halfway through The Red Pyramid. At least I'm out of my reading slump.

I am a directionless twenty-something

The hell have I been doing with my life??

This kid is twelve years old and he's already programming in multiple languages. I'm a decade older and I'm still struggling with HTML.

When I get a kid in the future, I'm giving him/her a programming kit instead of toys.

Pandemonium

My work desk is a giant mess, and so is my head.

This is the first day in the entire week that I've had a opportunity to take work easy. Everyone's been so frazzled for an upcoming event, me not excluded. There's been so much work piled up on everyone that I found myself multiple times stopping mid-step and recalling what task I was about to do.

It got so bad at one point that I told my colleague, "I forgot how to spell 'Lualhati.'"

And yesterday, I forgot the shortcut key for moving an element to the bottom in Corel Draw (Shift + Page Down). It's a command I've been using since the beginning of time, and I completely forgot it!

If that's not sabog, I don't know what is.

I'm so disappointed that I don't get to update this blog as much as I want to, despite my new blog-more advocacy. I got even more disappointed in myself while looking over the blogs of two 13 year old girls, who are honestly pretty good (except I forgot their URLS haha). Good content, nice photos, thematic. I wish I could do that for this blog.

Unfortunately, I am very much lacking in two important things: time and resources. I cannot concentrate on a full-blown bongga blog post when I'm worrying about my tasks as I type. Also, I have the shittiest camera in the world and a scanner that doesn't want to cooperate, hence the lack of illustrations/photos and a giant wall of text. Unlike these girls who have DSLRs and iPhones (medyo bitter ako) and only school to worry about. I'm not making "school" seem miniscule; I'm just saying they don't worry about bills and traveling and work. Why am I being defensive about this anyway haha.

This entry has been adequately random. It is now the end of my lunch break and I must now go back to fixing the mess in my desk (and hopefully my head).

It's a layouting kind of day.

NEW BLOG LAYOUT! It's definitely not 100% done, I'm gonna have to make my own background image and hopefully paint my own header image. Anybody who knows me knows that I hate using other people's resources in my blogs/web domains. But I don't have the resources right now, so I shall leave the owl and the background image alone for a while.

You'd think I'd be tired of coding HTML and CSS after an entire week of making a website for work, but I guess this is my own form of masochism. At least I'm getting something done!

After the cut is a post from the weekend, written on my cellphone because I was bored as heck on the bus ride home.

frizzy, busy, dizzy

I am giving myself the morning off before I work on a powerpoint presentation. So I shall spend it writing a blog entry. A blog entry, might I add, that I have to write all over again because my Internet is being a butt plug and did not autosave my previous writing attempts.

Pictured above are some of my practice sheets before I dove into an illustration project for work. I'm so glad that I apparently still know how to watercolor after all these months of not picking up a brush. Unfortunately I painted on the wrong type of paper, so my illustration did not end up as good as I hoped. At least next time I know better than to use cheap sketchbook paper for a watercoloring project.

While I was painting, I realized all the things that I also wanted to do. I want to practice guitar. I want to write. I want to reformat the layout of this blog. I need to study for my N5 JLPT exam. But damn, time is such a dream-blocker. Aside from lack of time, I'm also pretty tired whenever I get home from work. Instead of doing something productive, I'd rather browse through 9gag and stare at space. Sigh.

It's September and I am wayyyyy behind on all my new year goals. I wonder what I need to do to get me up and kicking again.

My Moleskine Grew Mold

That wasn't a tongue twister. MY GOD-FORSAKEN MOLESKINE GOT MOLDS.

I don't even know how it happened! Prolly cause of the horrible weather we've been having? I'm a bit upset because I haven't even used up that notebook. Anyway, it's not much of a loss.

I had a long weekend and I spent it being absolutely unproductive. I played Heroes in Time for 3 days straight and I'm not even done with it yet lol. No book reading, no drawing, no studying Japanese. I really need to step up and be more productive.

And I need to stop telling myself to get my ass out of the bed and just DO IT.

Back to Work

Why am I so fucking socially awkward?

On the phone, after being on hold:
Dude: Sorry for the wait ma'am.
Me: OK.

...I forgot to say, "It's OK." I probably sounded like an idiot.

In other news, my country has been hit by a pretty strong storm and work ended up being called off for two days. This is my second day back at work and I hate it with a fury. I should probably be more grateful that I'm here and all is well with my family, but I hate that I have to go to work when there's nothing really important to do. PLUS, there's always a threat of rain and I don't want to wade through flood waters just to get home!

I spent the two rainy days cleaning my room (wow, something productive), playing Heroes in Time, and finished watching Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei and Gunslinger Girl. SZS was a load of fun, even though I didn't get what was happening most of the time. I just went with the flow. Kafuka is definitely a favorite!

Gunslinger Girl is super fascinating, and kind of disturbing too. I'm not really happy with these underage girls being "conditioned" to obey their handlers, and blurring the line between obedience and affection (I am side-eyeing you, Giuse and Henrietta!). But they're still super cool with the guns and the bombs (I'm pretty shallow about weaponry). The plot is kind of slow and not really clear in conflict, but I'm watching it for the stories behind the girls.

I'm now on the second episode of the second season, and for the love of God, what the hell happened to the art?! I really loved the art in the first season, especially the girls because they look so doll-like (emphasizing the whole am-I-really-human argument they had going), but now they just look like generic shoujo manga cutie-patootie kids. The soundtrack isn't really amazing, unlike the first season (I've been playing Ti Amo over and over again). I really hope the plot saves everything! It would be a shame cause I'm really liking this series.

Sigh.

Why the effity eff is the weather like this? I don't think I've ever experienced a storm for like, a week. I've only ever experienced a really strong storm for a day, and the rest of the week would be filled with showers. That is absolutely not the case this week. There's practically a storm everyday and I hate it. I wish it would stop so I could make it to work without getting soaked.

Haven't been able to illustrate anything with the tablet 'cause le sister is sick. We've been in and out of the house since Friday evening. I really hope she gets better soon 'cause aside from it being hard on her, it's really hard on my parents (who have been absolutely paranoid). Sigh.

Off to watch Breaking Pointe.

The Journey to Becoming an Intellectual Organism

MEIN GOTT THIS BLOG LAYOUT IS REALLY FRUSTRATING ME!

And another thing: apparently Russians are viewing my blog. I can only imagine why. Is my penchant for vodka seeping through my meaningless rants?

That aside, let me share one of my favorite TED-X talks.

 David Griffin on How Photography Connects Us

I lalalove TED-X talks. The sad thing is I don't get to watch them as much as I wish I should. Perhaps I should make this a weekly thing, say every Sunday or so. Beats staring at space re-reading Faster than a Kiss again.

I've also been meaning to watch more documentaries (as I have said in an earlier entry), however: (1) I don't know of any good documentaries to watch, and (2) I don't know of a good place to watch these documentaries.

I'll try to document my documentary-viewing escapades in this journal, so I can actually be motivated to watch more.

I hate how the last four paragraphs have begun with "I". Back to work now. 

I wonder...

...what the ever-loving fuck you eat for breakfast to make you think that I would like you?

Instead of that arrogance you keep ingesting daily, I really wish I could pour a barrel of concrete down your fucking mouth.

Winterfall

WINTERFALL//Paint Tool Sai

There's no winter where I'm from, but it's freezing like the depths of the arctic!!!

It's been raining almost non-stop since Saturday, and this morning is the first time I've woken up without rain from the window. I like rain when I'm indoors, but going to work is a different story! I hate wading through floods. Who knows what the fuck's been in those waters. I really hope it doesn't rain the rest of the week!

Today, I'm going to try and finish season one of Gundam 00, and hopefully get halfway through season 2, seeing as I don't have much to do anyway. Most people go on series marathons like nothing, but I've never actually watched a long series in one day, haha. I dunno, I don't even like it THAT much. And I'm watching a lot of other shorter shows too. It's really interesting though. I've always liked the Gundam series for its socio-political commentary. I've always wanted to be a Gundam pilot!

Something I also like about the series is that females are prominent in leader-roles, like Ms. Sumeragi, and they're seen as active in combat. But I'm still disappointed with the lack of female Gundam pilots, aside from Soma Peries (though it's just a mobile suit and not a Gundam).  Meh. We'll see how the rest of the series goes (I'm on episode 20).

Gonna make my second cup of coffee now. 

Aestheticism

This is the stupidest fucking blog layout I've ever seen in my entire fucking life.

OK, that's a bit of a stretch. At least I don't have a .gif background, autoplay music, and mismatched colors.

I'm still frustrated though. Anyone who knows me (and knows me WELL) should be aware that I am super particular about layouts and graphics, especially my own. As much as possible, I would not use default themes or avatars in any of my web domains. Or if I do use a default theme, I would subject it to heavy alteration.

I guess its because I just like having an identity of some sort on the Internet.

ANYWAY, I will definitely try to spruce up the layout. Maybe this Saturday, when there's not much to do.

Some introspection

A Little Light

It's way past the middle point of the year, and I'm going to take this time to look into my goals and see how I'm faring.

The ways the cosmos works against me

This morning, I woke up and said to myself, "Ji, we are too lazy to make ourselves presentable! The look of the day: hobo." Thus, I wore my loose neon pink leopard-printed shirtdress and jeans, braided my unwashed hair, and put absolutely no make up on my face (save for a bit of lip balm).

This afternoon, a cute boy dropped by at work and I was actually required to talk to him.

WHY LORD WHY.

APRIL?!?! My last post here was APRIL!?! God, so much for a new life.

To be honest, I actually have been keeping up with most of my goals. My problem lies in the documentation, especially when it comes to the web. I'm having difficulty with our Internet connection at home and I've been spending more time net-surfing on my iPod as opposed to the computer. 

Lately, however, I've been arriving at the office pretty early 'cause my sister has a 7AM class, and to make life for my father easier, I have to wake up earlier and travel with her. In retrospect, it's not that bad, because I get to have a little bit of extra time to myself in the morning. With that, I'll try my very best to update this blog more often, especially with my art progress.

Another issue I have is with my thoughts. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like sharing too much about myself to other people. I believe thoughts and experiences are best left to the pages of my journals, be they paper or traditional. It's why my livejournal is set to private/friends only. I will also try to share some details of my personal life here, but with discretion. I'm not interesting or anything, but I'll try.

The above photo is one of my latest manga colorings. I said I was going to stop doing them, but it's from the final chapter of one of my favorite manga series. I needed a bit of a tribute to put closure on my feeeeeels.

sketch mania!

Hello there!

I've been intentionally behind on the tablet practicing business, simply because Holy Week is coming up. That means a week off work! So I think I'll be practicing more this week.

While I have no tablet sketches, let me share a new discovery: Odosketch! It's an awesome online drawing program, much like deviantArt's Muro. The great thing about it is the brushes that are crayon-textured, and it records your progress so you can share how you drew your artwork.

I've done two sketches since I've discovered it, and even if they look really amateur, I still love looking at the progress! Take a look:





I'm definitely making more odosketches this vacation!

a tablet post~

The lovely Oyah lent me her tablet a few weeks back, and I'm trying to practice with it at least once a week.

I'm not doing very well. :D

The thing is, I thought tablets were going to be pretty easy to use. Years of watching artist doing a livestream or posting their speedpaints on YouTube made me think that the tablet was a magical item that can suddenly make your art amazing. I regress. Using a tablet really needs a lot of practice on my part.

Here are some of the random shiznit I've been doing as practice. I've only been doing faces lately, and as the year progresses, I hope I get to do backgrounds and poses too!

Lights will guide you home

Forever alone at the office.

I really want to get back into writing! When I was younger, I had a journal every year, just a random notebook where I wrote down my thoughts and feelings. I tried to make the most boring day sound impressive because I kept thinking, "When people dig up my journals in a time capsule, I don't want them to think that all I did was mope around on the Internet all day." Although that couldn't be any truer, haha. Once upon a time though, I hit a wall and stopped writing about my day because I felt that my life wasn't relevant enough to be documented. Cue the rain, sitting on the windowsill, hating life.

That was the teenage angst talking, and now that I am past the teen years (NOOOO), I feel like I have to leave most of the self-made angst behind and start writing again, albeit in baby steps. I feel like I have way too many thoughts in my head right now, thoughts that need to be written as a minor release. The 140 characters that Twitter gives me aren't really enough.

On my former blog, I used to do this thing called Random Rant Monday, where I devoted one journal entry to at least five paragraphs of my random thoughts and rants. I think I'll call it Manic Monday instead! I also thought of this section called Irk-a-lot, just to rant about serious issues, but I realized that I really didn't have much to rant about, haha! I'll probably try to continue that here.

I really hope I keep my promise to myself this time.

Signing off now!

Hoot

Hi.

This is a blog to hopefully track my art progress, my guitar playing progress (if I ever get the courage to post!) and my random thoughts.

I hope this blog doesn't shrivel up and succumb to the depths of the black hole of abandoned blogs.